1) Everyone’s selling something to someone sometime. Think you know fact from fiction? Our following items contain facts buried in fiction & within the stories we’ll sometimes try to sell somebody something or other. It’s like network news but without all the drama. So relax, don’t do it, ya don’t need an Empress to tell ya when ya wanna go through it but ya do need every inch of your M3 News!

2) Don’t be caught unprepared! A record number of Americans are in prison. In fact, 1 out of 100 adults are incarcerated. What can you do when they come for you? Show them your Acme Get Out Of Jail Free card. No muss, no fuss no bust! Bad boys, bad boys what’cha gonna do? What’cha gonna do when they cum on you? Offer’s not available in stores or where Monopoly games are sold.

3) Have you been losing your religion? Feeling run down? Especially in the faith department? Well friend you’re not alone. Half of all Americans change their religion at least once. But now for a limited time we’ll send you a 7-day supply of Religazene absolutely free! Call now. Religazene, when your faith runs dry! Shipping & Handling fees apply in states whose names begin with letters A-W.

4) Stop buying oil, gas & electricity! In just a few days our Igno/Hateo converter pays for itself. Turn your unwanted hatred & ignorance into a useful alternative energy source. Why give our ignorant energy dollars to those we hate & who hate us when we can convert it? Historically, America’s never had a shortage of hatred or ignorance. The I/H converter-it’s the power of the future now!

5) Worried about losing your job due to overseas outsourcing? Don’t be, a robot will probably replace you. Over the years Japan’s workforce has been reduced by a whopping 10% due to man like machines. So what’s a working stiff to do? Contact Robbie at iRobot.com & invest. You may have no job tomorrow but an investment could have you on Easy St. today (robotic chauffeur not included)!

6) In the military? You need Port-a-Prince! You may’ve heard how Britain’s Prince Harry was recently un-deployed in Afghanistan because it was in fact a dangerous place. Well if you’re in a war zone but don’t want to be, call Prince-for-a-Price. For only $39.95 we’ll provide the Port-a-Prince paperwork, crown & before you can say, “thank you your Majesty” you too will be home again!

7) Lee Han Choy is not a household name. But chances are with enough time and ad dollars he will be. A $1.12 a week allows you access to his web site, ObviousLee.com, where he shares the obvious with you. Ever ask why politicians are above the law? Why foxes shouldn’t run hen houses? Why fools fall in love? For only pennies a day ObviousLee will obviously sell you the obvious!

8) Oil’s at 103 a barrel! The dollar is worthless! Our Federal Reserve says there’s a recession! The war on terror’s tanked! But GWB says it’s fine. Don’t you wish you could see the world through his rose colored glasses? Now you can! For a limited time you too can own a pair of Bush Blinds. At work even the idiots look like they're doing a’heck’ava job! This offer’s unavailable in Red states. So call now, say come on over baby there’s whole lotta yada yada going on then she’ll say, I’m ER & I just sold you the M3 Radio Independent News. Sayonara bitches!