1) The piercing irony is this story’s not only close to my heart but my nipples. A woman’s nipple piercing was removed with pliers by airport TSA agents. Amid beeps of metal scanners the pierced passenger protested. Faced with the choice of being ban from her flight she tearfully agreed to let the tittering TSA agents remove the body jewelry with pliers. Can I get an overly ironic “Ouch” here?

2) From Baghdad to Basra it’s a blast being in ironical Iraq. Our boy Bush boasts that this is a defining battle & demonstrates the Iraqi government is ready to rock. The result? After demanding militia members turn in their guns in return for amnesty a reported 40 fighters complied. It turned out they were all local police who did so because they refused to fight their brothers.

3) Since his people possess no oil Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama lamented he could expect little help in the US, much less the rest of the world from being devoured by China. His holiness said the only commitment received so far is from someone called Rainman Noodles who promised to streak during the upcoming Beijing Olympics with ”Hello Dalai” painted on his buttocks. How ironic!

4) If the cigarettes, artificial sweeteners, low fat milk & piecing aren’t killing me then it must be the irony! The USA’s new BFF, communist China, has not only been teaching us the wily ways of capitalism as well as being a highly valued trade partner but has also been bankrolling our wars. I predict that when it’s time to pay the piper the Chinese will tune the tooter.

5) Participants transcended political, ethnic, religious & race boundaries but agreed that power generation is a cause of greenhouse gasses creating climate change. So lights went out around the world for 1 hour on Saturday to spotlight the threat. Ironically, while the dark protest highlighted the danger for many, most oil businesses & banks declined to participate.

6) More than 40,000 no-name corpses a year are found in the US. Ironically, an Internet organization called the Doe Network uses the net to name the nameless necros. With DNA, dental records, police reports & pix the network has been able to match the mysterious missing murdered minions with monikers. Why do they do it? I mock you not when I say – sometimes you just need answers!

7) Bill Clinton wasn’t sarcastic suggesting voters should relax & don’t do it if someone tells them when to come to a conclusion on who should run for president. Willie said wife Hillary shouldn’t drop out of the campaign but continue her run until remaining states vote. When questioned at a press conference he slyly smiled & cryptically replied “I did not sleep with this woman”.

8) Here’s an ironic tale. Behind our newsroom walls dwells a midget who once angered a witch. She cursed him with immortality but to live forever behind walls with no food and only a toothbrush. Occasionally when we tape the news you hear him frantically banging on the pipes with his toothbrush. While I wish I could help my midget I’ve realized it’s not the hunger that’s killing him, it’s the irony! I mock thee not when I say I know not which Witch is which but I’m ER & this was the M3 Radio Independent News. Sayonara bitches!